i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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