Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
