How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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