before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
