ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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