there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
