dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
