please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dignity is for republicans.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize