so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize