I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
