Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
