Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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