I can tuck mytits in my pants
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
