Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
