Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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