he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize