I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
