Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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