I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
