I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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