My Higher Power is John Stamos
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
