what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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