And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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