Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
