a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
