guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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