i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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