either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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