Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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