Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
