don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
whose ass print is on the piano?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
