hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
