and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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