So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I am mentally ready for anal.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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