I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
No subtext here. People are naked.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
