I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
