i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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