I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
