Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
