I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
did you just send me my own nude
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize