He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
