Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize