I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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