Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
