you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
