I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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