a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
