I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
