Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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