Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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