life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
