imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
