He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
